Lyin’ Ryan

By now the entire world knows the definition of an American douche bag; Ryan Lochte. Shocker, he’s a University of Florida grad.

The 12-time Olympic medalist exaggerated to the media about being held at gunpoint and robbed after a night of frat boy parting in Rio de Janeiro. He’s been training for the Olympics for years and I’m sure alcohol isn’t part of the 10,000-calorie diet. After all that training and eating, I’d want to celebrate the new Olympic hardware by a night on the town too. Typical Gator, can’t hold his adult beverages or his urine.

We all know most of the real story by now. Lochte and three other American swimmers; James Feigen, Jack Conger and Gunnar Bentz over-exaggerated that they were held at gunpoint and robbed in the early morning hours of August 14th.

An investigation by USA TODAY Sports into the police account found the trashing of the bathroom never happened and that police never even asked the swimmers about it. The swimmers never entered the bathroom or even forced the door, according to their testimonies to Rio authorities. Video doesn’t show them doing anything to the bathroom and the only damage is to an advertising poster torn down by Lochte as the swimmers left. They urinated in bushes behind the building because the bathroom was locked, they said in statements to police.

The swimmers, however, were detained by badge-carrying, armed prison guards working a private security detail, USA TODAY Sports confirmed. They were held at gunpoint as a translator worked out a deal for the swimmers to pay 160 reais – about $50 — for the damage to the poster and be allowed to leave, they said in statements. (USA TODAY)

You are white-boy wasted in a foreign country, you think you can rip down a poster and get away with it because you’ve always done whatever you wanted and got away with it your entire life. (Peeing in bushes is normal for Gators.) So when armed guards pointed a gun at them demanding money to pay for the damaged poster, that could be viewed “getting robbed at gunpoint”. In America, Lochte would call his attorney, a police report would have been filed and the judicial system would decide how much Lochte would pay for the damages he caused, if at all. In Brazil, they have a translator, security with guns and they collect payment on the spot. I get it. That’s a faster way to solve a problem in Brazil. But that’s not normal to an American and he reeks of alcohol. At the time, he felt like he was robbed. But the cover up was worse than the crime! Nowhere in his robbed at gunpoint story did he mention that he started the whole problem.

Lochte blamed his “immature behavior”. He should have just blamed it on the alcohol. Dude, you’re 32! “Immature behavior” is for kids under 17 years old. The Rio scandal cost Lochte four major sponsors. (I’m sure they were planning on cutting all ties with him after he showed up with that gray/green hair- talk about embarrassing your brands!) How self-centered are you to know you did a shitty thing and then go to the media and give Brazil and the Olympics a black eye?

So now what does Lochte do? If he was smart he would take a lesson from the most decorated Olympian ever, Michael Phelps. Phelps was guilty of a DUI in 2004, took pictures with bongs (so that’s how swimmers are able to eat 10,000 calories a day), got a second DUI in 2014 and was suspended from the 2015 world championships. Why we love Phelps is because when he lost sponsors, he went to rehab. He laid low. He came out of retirement, got back in the pool, got engaged, and became a father. He changed his life and got his shit together. He won five more gold medals and one silver medal in Rio! He is an American hero with 28 Olympic medals!

But Lochte isn’t the smartest; he’s a Florida grad. He agreed to appear on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. This is why the world hates America! No, Ryan, we don’t want to see your pretty face and no one wants to see that gelled-comb-over any time soon. Let us forget about you and then cheer for you in four years at the Olympic games in Tokyo. Does Dancing with the Stars need ratings this bad that they have to add you to their list of “stars”? Maybe there is a spinoff show called Dancing with the Douche…

August 10, 2016  ·  951 Views