What’s Wrong With the NFL: Bills Mafia

(Chris & Laura Hess, Eric, and Danny; you all are (mostly) excluded from this post. Rich, this explains your college experience.)

I got a request from Big Bush (Chris) to do a blog making fun of Buffalo Bills fans. My first thought was; he’s a Raiders fan why is he making fun of anyone? Then Big Bush tagged me this Facebook video post: (Sorry, Mom, you’re not going to like the rest of this.)

Bills Mafia. This dysfunctional bunch of barbaric assholes has Tony Soprano rolling over in his grave. Let’s break this down.

The Buffalo Dildo Throwers. These two clowns (the Hayes bothers) saw a dildo, and immediately thought about Tom Brady’s penis! Seriously? Tom Brady is what two heterosexual boys think of when they see a dildo? They snuck a replica of their dream man hood into a game just to launch it in the end zone during a game. I still don’t understand why or how a human brain even thinks of doing this. Then again, Bills Mafia members are mostly animals.

The brutal temperatures has left most Bills fans cold as ice when it comes to being a normal, decent human beings. It’s clear they lack the basic skill set to make any rational decision. These assholes are so cold that they wear socks to the beach and have serious sandal issues. And we all know that sock people are just bleeping weird.

Any fan base that thinks honoring your team by standing in a circle and getting drenched in ketchup and mustard by other fans simply defines what is wrong with the world. It is disgusting and a total embarrassment to football.

It is cute that Bills fans refer to adult beverages as “Bills Pop”, but “cute” isn’t the correct adjective to describe most Bills fans. The line, “Buzz, your girlfriend, woof” comes to mind. “Bills Pop” is consumed from the side of the can because chugging a beer can horizontal is just normal to the loudest losers in the NFL.

Imagine the WWE decided it would be a great idea to have the Royal Rumble in a trailer park, covered by snow in Buffalo, New York during the dead of winter. Body slamming, full on circle jerks that may or may not include fire, jumping from cars and doing butt shots (also known as the butt chug) is all part of the Bills Mafia tailgate experience. And they wonder why their team sucks with that kind of fan support.

The saddest part isn’t even Bills Mafia behavior, it’s how pissed they are that “these lil C You Next Tuesdays (generation X) who have to film everything, blow it out of proportion and make us look like a bunch of animals and ruin my f*cking tailgate” said the fan with a fanny pack and the creepy to catch a predator van.

And then there’s this guy who I’m pretty sure did the truffle shuffle in the Goonies, but I could be wrong.

He simply said “If you don’t like it, don’t watch it” but I’m still trying to figure out if he is referring to tailgate or how Bills fans feel about their team by week four?

But I guess this is what happens when your team has the longest post –season appearance drought in NFL history. Yep, most of Bills Mafia cannot even count to seventeen. With seventeen years and counting, winter is not the only thing that sucks in Buffalo!

They say when it’s cold in western New York that all of Gods creatures are hibernating. The world would be a safer place and less embarrassing if Bills Mafia would hibernate too.