S.O.S.

I should be reflecting on the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship and talking about the goose bumps from the Masters commercials. I should be saying THIS is Dustin Johnson’s year to wear the Green Jacket. I should be blaming my allergies when Jack Nicklaus and Gary Player make the honorary start as their good friend, Arnold Palmer, watches from heaven.

Instead, I am talking about my life while being grounded by Virginia Governor, Ralph Northam.

Yes, dad, I finally watched all, ALLLLL, of the Harry Potter movies. I had never watched any of the series. I just know that way Jimmy Fallon says “Haaaarrry Pottter” is pretty funny. While visiting my parents right before the pandemic shut down the world, my Dad convinced me to watch the first one with him. I had no idea I was going to be sucked into watching 8 of these never-ending movies. That’s 20 hours of film PLUS commercials, so many commercials. This process had to consume at least a full week of being grounded from the outside world. I took an online quiz to see how much of a “Wizard” I’d become from all of my time spent watching Harry Potter. Let’s just say, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry failed me. I was relieved! My real issue with this series is that I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how this fantasy magic with British accents became a global obsession for a decade. I’d vote it as the worst ending ever in a movie series. How, HOW did Ron Weasley end up marrying Hermione Granger instead of Harry Potter, HOW? Rubbish!

The news talks about toilet paper being out of stock and that anyone who is buying a pack of toilet tissue larger than 6 rolls is committing a federal crime. I now understand why I should have been one of those hoarders. The TP shelves already looked like Virginia Tech’s trophy case; empty before I could be a hoarder. I pee a lot. I didn’t realize that in an average day I will easily pee hourly. I do drink at least 2 liters of water a day and I have the bladder the size of small child, but can we please stop judging those of us have to buy in bulk? And hopefully Cottonelle is considered an essential business.

I know nothing about New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo’s, views on politics. There is something about him that gives him that NY-Hollywood mob movie vibe and I can’t stop watching him. Maybe it’s his no BS style of speaking or maybe it’s his on-air bickering with his brother, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, that keep me watching the news to see him. Those Cuomo men are good-looking. It’s refreshing to see that even in this world pandemic, they still have their sense of humor.

There is another pandemic you will not see on any news network. It is currently happening in my apartment. (Mom, I did not bleep this out for you. I am already grounded by ole Ralphie and with my lack of any human contact, I have only had to used limited vocabulary. I’m sorry that being trilingual (profanity, sarcasm, and English) are not proud mother moments.) None of what you are about to read contains any sarcasm.

If I see one more spider I might lose my shit! I’m pretty sure the entire building heard me screaming last night in fear of my life. I was under attack. I already can’t sleep because it’s hot as balls in my apartment. (The building controls when you can have heat or air. I have never turned the heat on in the eleven years I have lived here. I want AC year-round and this is why I fully support capitalism.) And now I’m about to have a heart attack over these little assholes who run too fast. #MeToo (Dad, this does not mean pound.) I feel violated that these little fuckers think it’s okay to quarantine in my apartment. What part of No, NO, Ah Hell NO, do they not understand? I have super soaked my apartment in bug spray and stillllllll they are not following the 6 feet of separation rule!

I now understand why gun stores had lines out the door. You need to protect yourself from intruders who are not practicing social distancing. My twin brother and Dad are 100% on team “catch and release” and I am 1,000% on team kill and destroy. I’m not scared of a lot of things in life, but when it comes to creepy crawlers, I see red. I do not go camping and I don’t play in the woods to avoid spiders. Why is there no mutual respect to not come into my house? This is why I will not have any sort of mercy on them. I’m a victim in my own home and it’s not okay.

Having the windows open is not helping to cool the temperature in my apartment. It’s only making my allergies full on miserable and I’m under attack by unwanted squatters. Seriously, this is an S.O.S. I have reached out to the building manager and volunteered my time and resources to speed this “AC On” process up. It would solve all of my problems. We could have world peace again. My heart rate could go back to normal. But it looks like they are working from home too.